Tuesday, May 16, 2006
am d.r.i.f.t.i.n.g BUT NO more

sorry people.. im really putting in effort to learn.

working hard to go thru things for the first time..

really wanted to do it well.

but my efforts were seen as some things against me..

other people can misunderstood me for all they want... but why some people can misunderstand me?

really feel disappointed and maligned.

if those people directly involved don't know what's the real problem, will other people who are concerned for them understand?

guess its quite clear to some but still cloudy to some for this answer.

tried to clarify things..
tried airing things out.. hoping things will work out better..
it was all in vain.

really pains me to see that even hearing what i had clarified, they are not willing to change those wrong perceptions about me at all..

feel terrible.
my life is messed up.

it boils down to fact that we really didn't spend enough time together.

in the beginning.. told myself that i can work on this then..

tried to bridge things up..
still in vain.

gap became wider.. so much that i had to release myself from it.

i sincerely wished i hadn't.

apart from this, there were occasions that they really helped me and i sincerely appreciate them for helping me through little bits of hurdles i faced in school.

donations for school..
points and means to reside in school hostel..
time spent in sourcing for cny goodies..
cleaning fridge for me.
sweeping floor for me.
cooking pasta for me.

i remembered it all.

i am firm and do set standards. it may seemed high to some, may seemed challenging to others.

harsh i might seemed from my words used at times.. i'm not from golden spoon family.
ended up being regimental to some at times..

but they couldn't see the big picture.

was i wrong to have expectations?

really wanted to give myself and them another chance..

i realised, it was all to my own wishful thinking..
it never came across to them that i meant well.

those people hadn't change any of their impression of me at all..
every words i said, seemed threatening to them now and then.

gosh. can i really make this 'impact'?

still remembered my OCS Commander gave us the V.I.R.O framework.

V=Vision
I=Information
R=Relationships
O=Order

Sir.. i had not forget ur guidance. Thank you for being such a wonderful and fatherly figure in OCS.

an aim in mind help us to know how things can be set to improve for better.

can there be a chance that we never reach a particular standard that we set?

yes there will be. but its the learning process and effort made, that actually improve us.. not the end result.

more people learnt of those wrong perceptions of me after i released myself..
and i never felt so wronged before.

i really doubt now... if time is really the crucial factor between us, will my situation be any different?

asked myself why am i taking this so hard... have i not fall before?

..yes i did. but not in this area.

im truely convinced now.

realised its pointless for me to explain who i really am..
those who already placed a ceiling on me.. had wrong perceptions of me..
especially to those who didn't really bother to know me personally.

oRaNGe will not drift any longer.

though this experience had really impacted me,
i will not allow myself to dwell in it any longer.

its not worth it for God, my family and friends who truely know me and are with me.

These are the people whom i really need.

Someone who believes in me.